The other Me

Long time din blog. D main reason I write this blog is I wanna make sure I remember this. Well actually juz came bac from CF camp. Miraclely, it’s not tat tiring than I thought (at least when I come bac I can still write this blog) lol.

Hmm……. How should I start…. I was having quite troublesome weeks beforehand. Troublesome means…. I got troubles lo. I realized tat a lot of issues inside me remained unsettled. The 2 main issues probably is me n her and also me n Him. (it still haven include my studies….. omg…. Nvm bout tat first)

I did talk to someone….. d someone who juz got dumped by her bf and still always says tat she is pretty de. (lol…. Don angry a) she did give me some tots bout myself. She gave me d hints tat….. I nid to change once again. Then, someone keep giv me some ideas about how life should be. Im not saying tat he is bad but probably he cant really understand me. Yet he did influenced me. D idea makes me wanna go bac to d person I was be4….. be4 I believe in Him. How stupid m i. my life may not sound tat miserable but I do feel in tat way. (Im very fragile de)

Then I went to d cf camp. D reason I go is….. I was entrusted v d task to collect d camp fee from 3^rd year. So I ma go lo. (wanna hav face ma) besides I was entrusted v d task for P&W so nid to go lo. In order to make myself happier, I make d cf camp as a trip for my transitional period or other words is holiday la. (but raya coming soon lo – wish tat I can study tat time)

Well during d camp, of coz she was there. N d thing I did was…. Looking at her all d time. Of coz I dunno she knew bout it o not coz everytime she looked bac I juz turned away. It is during tat time I realized tat I still like her. Yet I cant talk to her. There seem to be a gap in between us. She was like far away at a place where I can only watch but cant reach.

So then I ask Him. Wat he want from me? Wat He wan me to do? I even wrote down my prayer for Him (for d first time I wrote down  le…. During the lectio divina). Guess wat happen? Dunno is it becoz of He “berpakat” v pastor Koshy (which had d “bad breath” lol). Pastor Koshy told me d answer about my prayer. And a lot of things come bac to my mind. I had experience His presence in my life in a “fishy way” lol.

I realized tat it’s always wrong tat I put her as d priority in a lot of things. I do admit my feeling for her but I understand it’s kinda impossible for us. So since I had said once be4 I will give her time to reconsider and this is d answer. I will bear and accept it. Im really sorry for doing all d stupid things to u. n sorry for keeping peeking u in d camp and also ignoring u face to face.

I also realized tat I had take a lot of things for granted for ….. quite a long time I presume…. I will once again take myself seriously. This is my promise to Him. This blog will be the “contract”. So u all will noe wat happen if I delete this blog…. (hopefully wont :P)

Really appreciate this CF camp as quite some issues had been settled for good. Hope tat this kind of event will happen once a while to let me recheck myself. In the wilderness.

Ling Heng Wei (signature is not needed as it’s written digitally.)

Someone ever ask me y ppl wanna blog? is it becoz they r too boring? basicily i cant answer for them coz i think ppl do it for different reason.

first i blog becoz it is d place i can express d other me. im kinda hard to express myself especially if its regarding my feeling. lol…. sound very stupid. this is d place whereby i can reli put in watever tat i think in. i dn hav to face anyone to say it tats d most important point…. only to my laptop of coz yet probably i wan it to be post become….. sometimes…. i think i wan someone to understand my feeling gua….. probably….

secondly…. aiyak…. forget wat to say liao…. lol….. mayb there is no other reason after i wrote d first one

lastly wat i wish to say is mayb watever i wrote is juz some stupid junk bt sometimes there r some "stupid" ppl who will drop some words in it…. i reli reli…. appreciate it. i somehow makes me feel like im not reli alone here.

wondering y everytime my blog sounds sad. huhu…. mayb tats d inner me…. dunno….. meow~~~~ tats only my view la… hw bout u?

Still remember when i was in 2ndary school, everyone is saying life in univesity is so interesting. teacher especially…. tat made me wanna go to uni fast.

well, tat dream become a reality. im nw at uni dy. 2 yr time….. i dn reli have d feeling as a uni student. o should i say i dn feel like im living in. more like im living for d uni.

my campus is very small. basicly only hav 2-3 thousand ppl. yet dunno y my campus seem to b hav a lot of activities. me which nt reli gud in rejecting ppl is being "bombarded" with lots of job which most of it i dn reli hav d interest in doing. yet no one else will do it if im nt doing it… at least tats wat i think. so i juz continuing doing with complaints only to myself.

y is life so tiring in uni? it seems like only a bunch of ppl is trying to make d life here more lively by organizing activities yet some ppl dn even bother to take a look at it wat more to say helping in it.

i wish i can hav a great life in uni. i hav already nid to wry a lot for my study here. i dn wanna hav more wry for my daily life here. im reli envy to c my fren at other places especially those overseas. they r reli enjoying their life there.

perhaps im nt suitable to b in uni. yet im still hoping tat wat my teacher said in d past will be true…. plz…. wish tat… life will be better for me soon….

Who would u treat or think as a friend? Perhaps this is the first question that i would like to ask people around and also myself. i would have answer,"anyone that i know who doesnt mind me as a friend la". This seems like very easy for me but… as this thinking go on and on.. problems start occuring….

I like to talk to people but i know that i am not really pro in talking so sometimes may cause the situation to be a bit… frozen.. so people just ignoring me sometimes. i understand… it is not their fault. it is my problem. sometimes, i just find it difficult to start a topic with a person. this is because i keep forget things and i dont really get to know the person good enough. that is why sometimes people will find me keep repeating the same thing that i had been saying for ages. i am not only lack of communication skill but also the intention to get to know people better.

i admit that i really like to gossip about other people matters. for some extent, i feel that it is a way for me to know about others better. at least when we meet there is something that we can talk about. yet for another extent i know that it is bad talking about other people especially at their back. gossiping…. that is the culture in this place and it is making my desire to gossip to grow and grow.

last few weeks i sort of "meet" my old friend in messenger. i do not really play messenger often so meeting her is so rare. well after a few lines of greetings. i started to "korek" about my other friends news from her. then the reply i had is anger. She said that if i really want to know about someone then i should find that person but not asking through other people. i was heart broken that time.

this is the first time that i felt that what had i done before was wrong… very wrong… gossiping… a habit to be changed. yet then i reply her saying that i am afraid that they might do not want to contact me anymore because i do not think myself as someone that they will keep in mind all the time. then she told me again that if you afriad so then should start keep contact with them it is not like i do not have their no. maybe she is right. but they also have my no. why they do not seem to contact me or even message me? why is everytime i am the one that people expect to make the first move? i am very tired. truly very tired. i start to think that do i really have a close friend? those who i used to treat as good friends do not seems to contact me even one times. unless there is a very occasion… getting married.

Actually before this i do not really mind about this things because i think that we all are matured enough to know that everyone have their own life to struggle now and it is not really a good time to look backward. Yet… more and more people are complaining this matter to me. saying me as heartless. this makes me start to think over about this thinking.

There are people saying i am very blur. doesnt really care about their feeling (then who gonna care about mine?). There are also people saying i always forget about their birthday. but i want to ask here. how many person does really know about my birthday without reffering to some sort of birthday calender? 10, 20? i dont think so…. there are also people saying that i onky reach them when i have special matter. but for them, they do not even bother to find me even for some special matter.

So i accept me myself as being selfish and not caring. so i start to find out or keep contact with my old friends. first, they do not really seem to be happy with my message. second, i really do not have anything special to ask them (i do not thing i can tell them about me because i do not think they will interested in it as that is what they always behave, i think). i keep messaging and messaging…. and lastly my handphone credit… dropping like a ball off a cliff. i finished 30 ringgit just in a week. i will feel better if that money got something. yet as what i seen, it is just like going down the drain. people just keep do not care about me. especially my old friends. does it really need to be like this? when we change to a new place then we need to change all our good friends as well?

i do not know wat to do now. can anyone help me? i am very very tired with relationship…….

Haiz….. thinking bout it only make me feel worse nia….

this thing started after selanjar 2 exam…. i din study much during tat time n expect tat my result will be bad n fail… coz so much had happen tat time. so after d exam i had d eagerness to study…. i try to memorize d thing tat i miss out even during d holiday. after going back to school i think this still continue… i stay up late at nite… make myself "free" from game and movie. i feel very good bout it coz it made me feel like becoming wat a real medical student should be. then my result come out… it is not wat i expected…. o should i say it is far more better than wat i expected.

i pass…. then this is d place where everything change back to my former state…. i start watching drama n playing games also… take almost half of my free time… i don noe y bt i don seem to have d guitiness in me for me to work hard….

WAT SHOULD I DO? this shouldnt be d time for me to give up…. exam coming…. oh no…. mati lo….

What is the meaning of "tear" for you? happiness? or sadness?

i saw this japanese drama "Tears of A Lifetime". For d first time im so touched by d story. Lots of tear… d girl in it, her parents, her boyfren, her doctor and mine.

My tear, is due to sympathy. Her doctor’s tear is due to disappointment. Her boyfren’s tear is due to helpless. Her parent’s tear is due to her suffer. Then how about her tears?

Her tears…. is due to understanding. Understand tat life is not easy. Understand tat we depend on other people not matter who we are. Understand tat we never give up on ourselves especially our own body. Understand tat falling down doesnt mean tat we fail. Understand tat time is not waiting for us. Understand tat we should do watever we r still capable to do.

Her tears is full of encouragement. Sometime or should i say most of d time we ignore things around us and also things within us. We should start now and look more thoroughly to people around us and also we ourselves tat r we treating them right.

What is the meaning of TEAR to u?

Lately i have been thinking a lot about this…… feeling….

D story is like this….. before this i have a crush on a girl… yet things doesnt really come as i wish…. got a boyfren… which is my fren so i sort of like hold my action n c wat happen since they r having problem at tat time. i don wish to interfere them n don wan to break d relationship v my fren becoz of this so i try as hard as i can juz not to show my feeling for her which makes me very exshauting ndepress as well….

They broke up eventually which makes me think tat i might have a chance bt i know tat she is still not ready for a new relationship so i wait… when i was still waiting…. they come back together again… so i tell myself her heart is not v me… so i leave….

then i enter uni… sort of still care bout her… d feeling even might not as strong as be4 bt still come once a while… i called her few times until my credit finish bt she juz act like doesnt really care bout wat i had done (im actually short of money tat time..) from d conversation i know tat she broke up already v her bf… o should i say they don contact each other anymore… she n her bf din say anything o even do anything… their relationship juz…. gone like tat…..

d funny thing is… im not really happy v tat news…. coz i know tat she doesnt have d feeling for me….

Becoz of her… i waste lots of hp credit.

Becoz of her… i cant study when i think of her.

Becoz of her…i don even dare to start a relationship v other ppl even i have feeling for her.

bt i don blame her…. coz she might not knowing anything bout this…. d one should be blame should be me….coz i don dare to confront my feeling for her….

So… my fellow frens…. i don know y today im writing this….. this story which have been embbedded inside my heart for a very long time….. not much ppl know bout it……

Appreciate wat is there in front of u…. u cant blame other ppl for not liking u… u can only blame urself for not telling them n try to make them like u….

Hai….. Half year gone in USM n i still seems to be unable to catch up d study. yet now with d CNY coming close, more work has to be done. I will be bz with d wushu practice and singing(shocking hoh) for d CNY nite USMKK. Meanwhile there will be a wuchu competition in MMU Melaka also 9 of Feb….. I also join d Mini TOT for 2 events…. i even join d kexijifen thing…..

Hai… All my attempt to make here feel like home make the situation worse…. im lack of time…… but the funny thing is tat i still have time to watch my anime…. when i start to look at d notes… ZZZZZ….. how i wish that my mom is there to scold me and controling me…..

Hai……. 4th month in kelantan…. things are running smoothly… CNS block is finished and i should be happy. yet im not…. but for d first time i start to think bout my hometown miri…..

A lot of ppl starts to prepare to go home liao but me still….. hai…. sitting in d room blogging… pity o….

Juz wandering does this condition goes to everyone o juz me…..

Hai….. after a long struggle at last i can now have 1 week holidays… juz finish d test juz now…. got 81 leh!!!! not bad a.(but marks r not deducted for wrong answer :P)  but anyway still have to work hard a lot.

D life here was like hell when first enter….. with no frens n ideas bout this place, sometimes really wanna pack d bag n go back home. really not used to this place. d topic which used to be taught in a week during STPM now is taught in an hour. if d lecturer really speak d Malaysia Eng then is still ok… but d problem is most of d lecturer is from Bangladesh n one from Myanmar. their essence is….. really geng…. until we all being "shot down" by d "machine gun" (don understand so fall asleep lo)

But after d dark cloud disappear, d sun still shine bright. we r now only finished d G Block n we r so happy like we r graduated already hehe…. so today will be leaving d uni n head to Kl. so those in KL watch out for my arrival. tats it lah… starving already… yesterday sleep at Pantai Cahaya Bulan n haven eat breakfast yet…. so this d end. hope all my frens safe n sound n most important happy always K?